


At the Edge of an Infinite Darkness

by Skarita



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-06
Updated: 2012-09-06
Packaged: 2017-11-13 16:37:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,157
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/505549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skarita/pseuds/Skarita
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>These burdens we bear, we cannot cast them down cold, nor can we dwell upon the inevitable so long that it drags us into the void. </p><p>It's not easy, but it's how it has always been.</p>
            </blockquote>





	At the Edge of an Infinite Darkness

**Author's Note:**

> This started as a rather personal ramble, and developed into a rather long personal ramble, for which I hope those of you skeptical of such things will forgive me.
> 
> It needed to be done. 
> 
> Credits for snippets of conversation that are sourced directly from the comic go entirely to Andrew Hussie. 
> 
> The rest of this mess is my fault. Good luck.

It’s probably common knowledge that you’ve become very good at overthinking. Particularly in recent years on the meteor. Your mind wanders revenant, and you have to keep watchful, to recognise the signs of decline before it all falls.

Too much time on the meteor, too much time for thinking, and you might- well, you don’t know.

It’s better not to.

In order to distract yourself from your overbearing thoughts today you lean against the wooden table in the study room and listen in as Rose and Dave argue about alien things you don’t quite grasp.

 **ROSE: Retracing the steps of some of our Freudian semi-blunders in conversations past?** **  
****DAVE: no what a load of shit** **  
****DAVE: stuff said between you and me before we knew we were related** **  
****DAVE: we both know that was a lot of horseplay bullfuckery between like smartass 10 year olds or whatever** **  
****DAVE: you cant seriously have taken any of that seriously**

It’s simple enough and distracting enough until Rose winks at Dave, and suddenly you have jack-shit idea what’s going on and something in your stomach sinks as you realise that perhaps you were supposed to be paying half a mind of attention rather than simply a few thinkpan-cells and a lazy listening organ. 

 **KANAYA: What Are You People Even Talking About**

She then winks at you in a way that makes something _else_ inside you twitch, and a heavy black boot squashes this feeling quite thoroughly into your thoughts as internally you begin a new round of How To Feel Entirely Useless And Sorry For Yourself At The Same Time. You suddenly think that you need to leave.

 **KANAYA: I Feel As Though This Conversation Has Utterly Outmanoeuvred My** **Constructive Involvement** **  
****KANAYA: Im Going To Go**

Yeah, really fucking smooth and not awkward at all. Before you can complete your sweet absconding manoeuvre however, you find yourself with a shoulder in your ribs and your ass on the floor.

“ **Ugh** ” you mutter to yourself, “ **Why does that _always_ happen** ”. Of course, no one hears you over Karkat’s angry, huffing yells. You rub your eyes and have a look at what’s going on.

 **KARKAT: I GOT A LAB FULL OF HUMANS, A MOUTH FULL OF YELLING, AND A TORTURED PSYCHOLOGICAL PROFILE FULL OF TOTALLY HYSTERICAL EMOTIONS AND UNAIRED GRIEVANCES AT PRACTICALLY EVERYBODY.** **  
****DAVE: karkat is broken guys** **  
****KARKAT: YEAH** **  
****KARKAT: OK HOLD ON** **  
****KARKAT: IF I CAN SETTLE DOWN A TICK I SHOULD BE ABLE TO MAKE MORE SENSE SHORTLY** **  
****KARKAT: JUST ONE...** **  
****KARKAT: *huff huff***

He’s nearly at the point of self-inflicted asphyxiation and automatically you open your mouth to suggest that perhaps he should-

**ROSE: Maybe you should lie down on the couch.**

And she beats you to the punch so _easily_. You lose the will to bother getting up, and instead lean back on your hands to observe the situation at hand. You try to immerse. Karkat is seriously losing his cool.

You kind of wish you could lose your cool. But you can’t. That’s not how you do things- it’s how you _try_ not to do things, at least, and you feel silly for feeling jealous of your friend with his petty romance problems and- You take that back. It’s a different kind of problem. That was an unfair thing to even _think_.

You’re just making yourself feel awful. Thankfully for the moment the majority of you is now simply ticked off. Dave and Karkat’s squabble is getting on your nerves. You watch as they fight over control for a pen in Rose’s important research book and have half a mind to tell them to Cut That Shit Out when the conversation suddenly takes a turn for the irrevocably stupid and you give up on listening altogether.  You don’t particularly feel like listening to the knights having a Serious Argument over male human reproductive organs.

You stand up and dust yourself off and sigh to no-one. Rose appears to have fled with yet another cultural marvel in her grasp. You give her credit for intelligence and pre-emptive thought, as she now has an excuse to escape the scene.

The boys are biting and punching each other. Curious, you didn’t think humans were even capable of caliginous behaviour.

Then you realise perhaps Dave is simply really tired of Karkat touching his cape. You avert your eyes away from flying bits of china mug as Dave tosses him onto the table, and coffee goes cartwheeling across the room (It misses your skirt; you count your blessings). What a mess.

You sigh again. You suppose there’ll be no hope in expecting them to clean it up. At least Terezi’s voice grating over the meteor intercom is enough to distract them from screwing things up even further. You feel your irritation ebb away.

You leave.

 

The dream bubbles never excite you. Unlike the others, there wasn’t really anyone you felt particularly excited to see. Unlike Rose and Dave, you’re not really going to discover anyone new. They’re just another dead end, cobwebs in the corner of a dusty old cupboard you shut half a sweep ago, locked and threw away the key.

The more you think about your memories, the more depressing they seem to become. A week ago, Dave and Rose had been sitting across the couches, she scribbling, he successfully looking like an uninterested sack of flour, and they had reminisced about the “Good old days”. Dave had made the mistake of asking you about what you and the others had gotten up to- before the game, before the end of the world- “ **you know the good times** ” and you had raised your eyes from your book and simply remarked, “ **What Good Times** ” before you had swung one knee over the other and tried your best not to seem too irritated by the inquiry.

You regret being so snippy about it. You always do. You hadn’t meant that. But the more you think about it, the more you try to remember the “Good Times”, the more sour the note turns in your mouth. Good times. You mean heartbreak, confusion and personal guilt.

You’ve tried to convince yourself you’re over all that.

But you’re not, and you know that trying to kid yourself is an entirely futile endeavour (which doesn’t stop you from trying again and again and again).

You wander down the cold metal corridor alone. Karkat has stuck posters all over the place- “ **ALL IMPORTANT RULES OF CHESTIQUETTE, OBSERVE CLOSELY YOU WITHERING BULGESACKS** ”. They aren’t very colourful and they fail to hold your interest for more than the glance you take to read them.

Not that you’ve been feeling very colourful lately anyway. That’s just another semi-lie you’ve been trying to hold above the water. You haven’t put on any of your more colourful dresses in the last few weeks. You’re even thinking about alchemising yourself a darker skirt.

Black is lovely, because it’s impersonal and functional at the same time.

But you keep your lips **jade green** as a reminder, because you have An Important Job To Do, and it’s the one thing that you cannot ever forget.

You transportalize, a whisper of white smoke against the dark. Not that you leave much dark untouched. Your luminous rays stain the blackness, and no matter what you do there’s nothing you can do to calm your luminance. You gave up trying months ago. You never were that fond of the dark before, true- it muted colours, bled into everything. But it was also peaceful. Like a blanket, it kept the legions of monsters at bay. Light and metal don’t afford peace. And your light is cold- ever so cold, pure white, like Echidna’s pearls.

Most of the time, you can accept it. Most of the time you can accept most anything. You’d like to believe you’re pretty good at that, at least.

Your recouperaccoon beckons welcomingly at you, but you don’t feel tired enough to consider sleeping. Lethargy however, hell, that was another issue entirely. You end up slouching over a chair and staring longingly at your sewing machine.  You really ought to make something. You have a billion ideas, but no motivation. You wish that the humans might have bought some books on fashion, as Rose has been telling you about how on their planet it was a Really Big Thing. Instead all you have are coded tomes in ancient languages and a billion mysteries to solve.

The time you spend with Rose trying to unravel them is at least somewhat more pleasant than being idle and uncreative. Okay, that was a lie. It makes you feel happy, most of the time. You look forward to it. But you can’t bother Rose all the time.

Your gaze leaves your sewing machine as you unsheathe your lipstick. You don’t feel capable of creation.

But destruction is a pretty fine distraction as well.

You’re going clown hunting again.

 

Weapon in hand, you feel less like a tired young girl and far more like a warrior capable of taking care of things. It’s your own quiet reprieve from feelings of helplessness, hopelessness, it keeps you from teetering off the edge of simply irate into short tempered and rude.

You’ll probably never find him, you think, and then as quickly you shove the sentiment to the side. Gamzee could also probably see you coming from miles away, which was a more logical argument and required more coaxing to shunt away.

Damn it, you shouldn’t have given yourself the space to think. It leaves you far more crippled than you want to feel and far more angsty than you’d like to say.  You hop daintily into a transportalizer, feeling the familiar buzz as you leapfrog into another room. Where it is, you don’t know. You feel like you may have raised a few levels, closer to the roof. A more rational part of you notes that someone ought to put labels on the damn things, rather than continually playing at troll Minos’ maze.

You hear a peal of laughter from upstairs and ignore it, before you recognise it and you lurch sickeningly to the side.

Feferi, god damn _. Feferi_.

You think about Feferi more than you should, too. She was nice enough, you think, allowing your face to twist into a dark smile. Nice enough. Kind enough. Dutiful enough. No, “enough” was a word better to describe you; Feferi was far better, Feferi wore her burdens like a mantle of silk, Feferi soared like a bird even though her shackles ran deep beneath the sea.

Long ago you’d recognised these feelings as envy, and busied yourself further in order to get rid of them. It was only partially successful.

“ **Has Any Kid Got As Many Burdens In The Fire As You? I Doubt It**.” It hadn’t been a lie, but it had still been cruel. Cruel for you both. After you had posted it, you had kind of wished you hadn’t said it.

You don’t resent her. Oh, no. You don’t want to trade places, but you wish- oh, sometimes, how you wish- you could have her attitude. You wish you didn’t think so much. You wish you could be as graceful or as kind.

You’ve been called kind. You don’t believe that lie at all. She had it worse than you and yet she managed to be so _sincere_. You always lacked that. Sincerity.

You realise you’ve kept walking, as you draw towards the edge of one of the meteor’s various inexplicable chasms. You stop, and look down into infinite blackness, and feel a tremendous amount of emptiness. So you sit down and dangle your feet over the edge, curling your toes upwards into your flats so you don’t lose them into god knows where.

Even with your light you can’t see the other side. You set your lipstick down beside you carefully so it doesn’t roll, and stare across the way. It’s peaceful, you think, reminding yourself to come more often if you can find the exact place. Feferi’s laughter is gone, so you suppose you’ve moved out of the dream bubble again. It was surprisingly short.

Thank God.

You let your chin sink into your palms. Perhaps you could stay here forever where nobody would ever find you, and you could pretend that life and responsibility never existed. Perhaps, even, you would slip silently off the edge and fall until everyone forgot your name.

You hate how tantalising that thought is. It has no right to seem so beautiful, so appealing. It’s not fair.

_It’s not fair, it’s not fair._

It’s not _fair_ you can’t let yourself be happy and it’s not _fair_ you can’t let yourself escape.

 _It’s not fair, it’s not fair_ , _it’s not fair_.

 

You don’t really notice her approach, but then you suppose you weren’t listening. When she sits beside you, you startle and get the jitters.

**Kanaya: Rose**  
 **Kanaya: I Wish You Would Refrain From Approaching Me So Unexpectedly**  
 **Rose: Sorry Kanaya. I was just wondering how you were.**

That’s kind of her.

**Kanaya: Im fine**  
 **Rose: What have you been doing?**  
 **Kanaya: Its Just Peaceful Here And I Was Taking Some Time Alone**  
 **Kanaya: Just Thinking About Things**  
 **Kanaya: Its Nice**

You return to silence, unsure what else to say. You wonder if you said enough, or too much again. You’re incredibly good at saying too much, and you’re painfully aware of it. The silence between you twists every muscle in your body. You look down and wonder if you’re doing this whole cross-cultural interaction thing right (for the thousandth time, you might add. It’s a reoccurring thought.)

**Rose: We missed you up there. Feferi asked where you were.**  
 **Kanaya: And Eridan**  
 **Rose: He had this funny look on his face as though he were concerned you were going to jump out of the shadows and tear out his throat.**

Your chuckle is hollow.

**Kanaya: That Was**  
 **Kanaya: Really More Of A One Time Deal I Was Feeling Rather Displeased With Him**  
 **Rose: I gathered as much.**

That’s an absurd understatement. Humans didn’t murder their once-allies. They were more benevolent than that.

At least, these ones were. Rose was.

**Kanaya: Was That More Sarcasm**  
 **Rose: Sort of. I suppose.**  
 **Kanaya: Oh**

You stare down again. Her feet and yours; white skyblue black over the edge of darkness.

**Rose: You’re not really fine, are you Kanaya?**

Twisting inside you. She shouldn’t concern herself, it’s unnecessary. You don’t deserve her concern.

**Kanaya: I Am Fine**  
 **Kanaya: I Am Always Fine**  
 **Kanaya: Fine As I Have Ever Been**  
 **Rose: Classy fine?**

You can’t contain your snort.

**Rose: I’m sorry, I couldn’t resist.  
Rose: But “Fine as I have ever been” is not fine, Kanaya.**

You draw in a breath and hope she doesn’t hear you shudder.

**Kanaya: Maybe Not But Its What I Have**  
 **Kanaya: Its Nothing Really**  
 **Kanaya: It Doesnt Matter**  
 **Rose: It does matter, Kanaya.**

It does, but you wish it didn’t. You’re still staring at your feet, white blue white black white white brilliant white. You don’t know what to say, again.

 **Kanaya: I Suppose**  
 **Kanaya: Theres Nothing I Can Do About It**  
 **Rose: You could talk about it, Kanaya.  
** **Kanaya: Dave Told Me You Liked To Analyse People Like This Is That What Youre Doing**

You hear her stop for a second.

**Kanaya: Rose Im Sorry I Didnt Mean It Like That**  
 **Kanaya: I Still Dont Understand This Human Psychology**  
 **Kanaya: And Really Theres No Helping This Anyway Ive Already Come To Terms With It**  
 **Kanaya: So Its Fine You Should Go With The Others And Have Fun**  
 **Kanaya: If You Permit Me Im Going To Stay Here**

She remains silent. You hope you haven’t offended her. You’re feeling awful again.

**Kanaya: Or If You Like I Could Go**   
**Rose: Kanaya, please stay. Don’t run away again.**   
**Kanaya: But Im So Good At It**

It’s not a lie. You’re the best there is at gathering your skirts and fleeing from tough emotional situations, or otherwise bumbling into them with your chainsaw swinging and your thinkpan in panic mode.

You really, really want to get away from this situation. You don’t know what to do.

 **Rose: You don’t have to be like this all the time, you know. You’re allowed to have problems, like everyone else.** **  
Kanaya: I Know**

You do know. But that doesn’t stop you feeling guilty. Rose is holding the key to winning The Game in her head, she’s co-ordinating everything, she’s the one with the burdens. You’re insignificant in comparison to a girl with the universe on her shoulders. Your burdens are yours to bear. They always have been and they always will be, and that’s just the way things are.

You’re happy to help her, but you don’t feel worthy of having her help you. You don’t understand it. It just wouldn’t be right. It wouldn’t be.

 **Rose: You’re allowed to ask for help.  
** **Kanaya: I Know**

You know.

 _You know, you know, you **know**_ **.**

But knowing changes exactly jack-all.

**Rose: Kanaya-**   
**Kanaya: Rose Please**   
**Kanaya: I Don’t Know What To Say**   
**Rose: Just talk. You’re good at that.**   
**Kanaya: I Know**   
**Kanaya: I Know Damn It**

Damn it.

**Kanaya: Its Just So Insignificant Like I Said Ive Come To Terms With It**  
 **Kanaya: With Being The Mother Of My Race**  
 **Kanaya: Being The One With An Important Job To Do**  
 **Kanaya: Alchemising A New Matriorb**  
 **Kanaya: Raising The Grubs Of A New Alternia**  
 **Kanaya: Its How Things Are Going To Be Its Just Fine**

Your windchute is getting tight and sore. You fight it desperately, that burning sensation behind your ganderbulbs. You don’t want to cry in front of Rose. That would be the worst of it all.

You return to silence to avoid a worse fate.

**Rose: That’s not easy, Kanaya.**   
**Kanaya: I Know But That’s How It Is No Sense In Worrying About It**   
**Rose: …**   
**Rose: You know, in a way, it’s really admirable.**   
**Kanaya: Admirable **  
 **Kanaya: What**  
 **Rose: Your maturity.******

Oh no god damn it now you can really feel the tears coming on, and she keeps going, curse her, bless her, curse her.

**Rose: You’re actually pretty incredible, Kanaya. Dealing with all this. It’s a heavy burden to bear. You’re very strong.**  
 **Kanaya: Thanks**  
 **Kanaya: Its Just**

You can’t look at her.

**Kanaya: I Don’t Know**   
**Rose: Oh no, Kanaya are you alright?**   
**Kanaya: I Cant Help It I Am So Sorry**

You’re wiping away tears with the heel of your hand when she puts her arms around you and just holds you there.

**Kanaya: Thank You**  
 **Kanaya: Im Sorry About This But Thank You**  
 **Rose: Shh. It’s alright Kanaya. It’s alright.**

You’re lights at the edge of an infinite darkness, with you desperately trying to stem your waterfall eyes, and her arms close around you.

And for the first time in a long, long journey, you can let it all fall down.


End file.
